How to write a eulogy

Most people who write a eulogy have never written one before, and they are doing it while grieving, usually with a few days' notice. The steps below break it into small pieces so you only have to think about one thing at a time. If you'd rather see some finished eulogies first, read our eulogy examples, and for the bigger picture of where a eulogy fits in the service, see the main eulogy guide.

Step 1: Find out the practical details

Before you write anything, talk to the family and to whoever is running the service, whether that's the funeral director, the pastor or priest, or a friend organizing a celebration of life. Ask these questions:

• How long should I speak for?
• Is anyone else giving a eulogy or sharing memories, and what are they covering?
• Where does my part come in the service, and will there be a microphone?
• Is there anything the family would prefer I leave out?

The answers shape everything else. Three minutes at a graveside is a very different job from seven minutes as the only speaker at a church funeral.

Step 2: Gather memories

Take a notebook or open a note on your phone and write down anything that comes to mind, in any order. Don't judge it yet. Useful prompts include where they grew up, their work, the people they loved, the things they said all the time, what they cooked, the teams they followed, where they went on vacation, and the small habits everyone knew.

Then ask other people. Send a message to their siblings, old friends, neighbors or coworkers asking for one memory each. You'll often get a story you had never heard, and people are usually glad to be asked. It also means the eulogy speaks for more of the room than just you.

Step 3: Choose what to include

You will have far more material than you can use. Read through your notes and mark the stories and details that feel most like the person, the ones that make you think "that's exactly them." Aim for a couple of qualities you want people to remember, and a story or small example for each.

Leave out anything that would need a lot of explaining, or that only one or two people would understand. You don't have to include every part of their life, and it's fine to leave out difficult times.

Step 4: Put it in order

The simplest order is the one most eulogies use: introduce yourself, give a short outline of their life, describe what they were like through stories, mention the people they loved, and say goodbye. If you'd like the structure laid out with gaps to fill, the eulogy template does exactly that.

You don't have to follow it strictly. Some people open with a story and fill in the life history afterward. Any order works if it is easy to follow when you hear it once.

Step 5: Write the opening

Keep the opening plain. People need a moment to settle, and you need a moment to find your voice. Say who you are, how you knew them, and then either thank people or move into the first memory. Here are some openings you can adapt.

• Good morning. My name is Carlos, and Rosa Delgado was my mom. On behalf of our whole family, thank you for being here today.
• I'm Jenna, and I was lucky enough to be Pat's next-door neighbor for twenty-two years. Most of what I know about gardening, and a fair bit of what I know about life, I learned over her fence.
• Hi, everyone. I'm Marcus, Dale's youngest son. Dad would be embarrassed by how many of you came, and secretly very pleased.
• My name is Lauren, and Grandma June was my best friend. I've tried all week to work out how to start this, so I'm going to start with her kitchen.

Step 6: Write the middle

This is where the person comes to life. Start with a short outline of their life: where they were born and grew up, their work, marriage and children, and the places they lived. A few sentences for each is enough, because everyone in the room already knows most of it.

Then spend the rest of your time on what they were like. For each quality you picked, give a real example. If he was generous, tell people how he paid for the neighbor kid's baseball glove and never mentioned it. If she was funny, tell the story that still makes your family laugh at Thanksgiving. Stories like these are what people tend to remember after the service.

Write the way you talk. Read each paragraph out loud as you go, and if a sentence is hard to say, split it in two or use a simpler word. Gentle humor is fine if it suits them. Keep it about things they would have laughed at themselves.

Before you move on, thank the people who helped. That might be the hospice team, a caregiver, a church family or a neighbor who mowed the lawn every week. A sentence or two is enough. You don't need to say anything about how they died.

Step 7: Write the ending

Endings are the hardest lines to say, so keep them short. Many people speak to the person directly, some go back to a detail from earlier, and some end with a simple thank-you. Here are some closings you can adapt.

• Mom, thank you for everything you gave us. We love you, and we'll miss you every day.
• Pat, I'll keep the tomatoes going. I can't promise they'll be as good as yours.
• Dad, the Cowboys play on Sunday. I'll watch it for you, and I'll try not to yell at the TV quite as much as you did.
• Grandma, thank you for the kitchen table, and for always pulling out a chair for me. I love you.

If the service is religious and it fits the person, you might end with a short prayer or a line of scripture. Only use words you are sure of, and check with the officiant if you're not.

Step 8: Edit, time it and practice

Leave the draft for a few hours, or overnight if you can, then read it out loud and time yourself. People speak at roughly 130 words a minute, so a three-minute eulogy is about 390 words and a five-minute one is about 650. If you're over, cut a whole story so you can keep a steady pace.

Show it to one person in the family before the day. They can catch a wrong date or a name you've missed, and it means nobody is surprised by anything on the day.

Print the final version in a large font, around 16 to 18 point, with plenty of space between paragraphs, and read it through a few more times. Each run makes the hard parts a little easier to say. Give a copy to someone sitting near the front who can take over if you need them to. On the day, speak slowly, pause when you need to, and remember that nobody in the room wants anything from you except to hear about the person they loved.

If you're stuck

If the page stays blank, try saying it instead. Record yourself on your phone talking about them for ten minutes, as if you were telling a friend, and write down what you said. Most of your eulogy will be in there. There are also guides with full examples for a eulogy for your mom and a eulogy for your dad, and Speechmade can turn your notes into a first draft with AI, using only what you tell it.