How to write wedding vows

Most people put off writing their vows because they don't know where to begin. The good news is that vows are short, and they follow a simple pattern. You don't need beautiful language. You need a couple of true memories, some specific things about your partner and promises you mean.

If you want some background first, the wedding vows guide covers how personal vows fit into an American ceremony. For finished vows in different styles, see the wedding vow examples.

Step 1: Talk to your partner and your officiant

Before you write a word, agree on a few things with your partner. How long should your vows be? Are you aiming for something funny, serious or somewhere in between? Will you keep them secret until the day? A minute or two each is plenty, and it helps if you're both in the same range.

Then ask your officiant where the vows go in the ceremony and whether there's anything they need to include or leave out. What a ceremony has to contain for the marriage to be legal depends on your state, so let the officiant guide you on that. If you're marrying in a church or other place of worship, check that personal vows are allowed at all.

Step 2: Brainstorm before you write

Don't try to write your vows in one sitting. Start with a list of notes. Spend twenty minutes answering questions like these, in any order:

• Where did you meet, and what do you remember about that day?
• When did you know this was the person you wanted to marry?
• What does your partner do that nobody else notices?
• What has been hard for the two of you, and how did you get through it?
• What small habits of theirs make you smile?
• What do you want your life together to look like in twenty years?

Write down specific details. "You're kind" is hard to build on. "You shoveled Mrs. Kowalski's walk every time it snowed last winter" gives you something real.

Step 3: Pick one memory to open with

Look through your notes and choose one memory to start with. It might be how you met, your first date or a moment you realized how you felt. Tell it in two or three sentences. You don't need the whole story, only enough for your partner to picture it. Pick something your guests can follow without explanation, and leave out anything that would embarrass your partner in front of their grandparents.

Step 4: Say what you love about them

Next, pick two or three things you love about your partner and say them plainly. The best ones are small and particular. The way they talk to your dad, or the fact that they always know where the car keys are, says more than a general statement about how wonderful they are.

If you can, give one of them a short example. "You're patient" becomes much stronger when followed by "you taught my niece to ride a bike in one afternoon and never raised your voice."

Step 5: Write your promises

Promises are the heart of your vows. Write more than you need, then keep the best four or five. Most should be serious, about being honest and looking after each other through hard times. One or two light promises can make people smile, as long as they sit in the middle and the last promise is sincere. If you want more ideas for the lighter ones, see the page on funny wedding vows.

Make your promises specific where you can. "I promise to support your dreams" is fine, but "I promise to be in the front row at every one of your gallery shows" is something your partner will remember.

Step 6: Finish with a simple last line

End by speaking directly to your partner. It might be your biggest promise, or it might be something as simple as "I love you, and I'm yours." Keep it short. You'll probably be emotional by this point, and a short sentence is easier to get out.

Step 7: Edit for speaking

Read your draft out loud. Vows are spoken, and sentences that look fine on paper can be hard to say. Cut any sentence you trip over, and break long ones into two. Take out anything that needs an explanation for the guests, and any joke that only works if you know the backstory.

Then time yourself. At a normal pace most people say about 130 words a minute, so a two-minute set of vows is about 260 words. If you're well over, cut the least important memory first and leave the promises alone.

Step 8: Practice and get them ready for the day

Copy your finished vows into a vow book or onto a card, in a large, clear font with space between lines. Read them aloud several times over the week before the wedding, ideally standing up. You don't need to memorize them, but you should know them well enough to look up at your partner between lines. Give a spare copy to your officiant just in case.

A short example

Ellen is a librarian in Burlington, Vermont, and she is marrying Sam, who runs a small maple syrup operation with his brother. Here's how the steps come together in about a minute.

Ellen opens with one short memory, says two specific things she loves, makes one serious promise and one light one, and ends with a single line. That's the whole pattern, and you can fill it with your own details.