Sympathy card messages

There is no perfect wording for a sympathy card, and the person who opens it won't be judging yours. What they will notice is that you thought of them and took the time to write. A few plain, kind sentences are enough.

What to write

Most sympathy messages follow the same simple shape. Say you're sorry. Use the name of the person who died if you know it. If you have a memory of them, or something kind you've heard about them, add it. Then let the family know you're thinking of them.

If you'd like to offer help, make it something specific, such as bringing dinner over on Thursday, walking the dog or driving someone to the airport. "Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but people who are grieving rarely feel able to ask.

You can hand the card over at the viewing or visitation, leave it in the card box at the funeral home, or mail it to the family's home. Any of these is fine.

When you knew the person who died

A small memory is often the part of a card that people keep and read again. It doesn't need to be a long story. One real detail is plenty.

• I was so sorry to hear about Walt. I'll always remember him at the end of the driveway on Saturday mornings, waving at every car that went by. He was a kind man. Thinking of you all.
• Dear Lorraine, Eddie was one of the most generous people I've known. He fixed my porch steps twice and never let me pay him for either. With love and sympathy.
• Everyone at church choir is thinking of you. We'll miss Dolores and her strong alto voice, and the way she always saved a seat for anyone new. With love from all of us.

When you didn't know the person who died

You're writing to support the person you do know, so it's fine to say you never met them. Focus on the person who is grieving.

• I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I never had the chance to meet her, but I know how close you two were. Thinking of you and your family.
• Dear Anh, I'm so sorry for your loss. From everything you've told me about your grandpa, he was a very special man. Sending love.
• I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Please take all the time you need. I'm here if you want to talk, and I understand if you'd rather not.

For a coworker

Keep it short and warm, and let them know they don't need to worry about work. If the whole team is signing one card, one person can write the main message and everyone else can add their names.

• We were all so sorry to hear about your dad, Marcus. Please don't give work a thought while you're away. We're all thinking of you.
• With deepest sympathy from everyone on the billing team in Tulsa. Take all the time you need, and we'll see you when you're ready.
• Dear Renata, I'm so sorry about your grandmother. If there's anything I can cover for you while you're out, just text me.
• I'm so sorry for your loss, Kevin. I've got your Tuesday calls covered, so please look after yourself and your family.

For the loss of a parent

• I'm so sorry about your mom. She was always so proud of you, and it showed every time she talked about you. Sending you so much love.
• Thinking of you all. Your dad was a lovely man, and I'll always remember his big hello at the door and the pancakes he made us after sleepovers.
• Losing a parent is so hard, whatever age you are. I'm thinking of you, and I'll call next week to see how you're doing.

For the loss of a child

Keep this card very simple. Use the child's name if you know it, and don't try to explain the loss or look for a bright side. Saying you're there, and meaning it, is enough.

• We are so very sorry about Noah. We are thinking of you both and holding your whole family close. With all our love.
• We don't know what to say, except that we are so sorry and we are here for you, now and in the months ahead.
• We're thinking of you and Daniel every day, and remembering Maya with so much love.

For the loss of a husband, wife or partner

• I'm so sorry about Carol. You two were such a good pair, and I know how much you'll miss her. I'll stop by next week with some soup.
• Dear Harold, I'm thinking of you after losing June. Fifty-two years is a long time to share, and I hope the memories bring you some comfort. With love.
• I was so sorry to hear about Luis. He adored you and the kids, and anyone could see it. Sending you all my love.

For the loss of a pet

Losing a dog or a cat can hurt as much as losing a person, and a card tells your friend you understand that. Use the pet's name.

• I'm so sorry about Biscuit. She was the friendliest dog on the block, and I'll miss her greeting me at the fence every morning. Thinking of you.
• Thinking of you after losing Oliver. Fourteen years is a long time to have a cat by your side, and I know how much he meant to you.

Religious and non-religious wording

If you know the family shares your faith, or they have a faith of their own that you know well, a religious line can be a real comfort. If you're not sure, it's safer to leave it out. The family should never feel they are being told what to believe while they're grieving.

Religious messages

• We are so sorry about your mother. We are keeping you all in our prayers, and we're grateful we got to know her through the church.
• Praying for you and your family as you say goodbye to Ray. May God give you comfort and strength in the days ahead.
• Dear Farah, I'm so sorry about your father. I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. With love from all of us.

Non-religious messages

• I'm so sorry about your aunt Gloria. I'm holding you in my thoughts and sending love to you and your cousins.
• Thinking of you and remembering Stan. I hope the stories people share this week bring you some comfort.

What to avoid

Most well-meant phrases are fine. A few can hurt, even when people write them with kindness.

• "Everything happens for a reason" or "They're in a better place". These can sound as if you're explaining away a loss that the person is still living through.
• Comparisons. "I know exactly how you feel, I lost my dad last year" moves the attention to you. You can talk about your own loss later, if they want to.
• Anything about how they died. Don't ask about it, and don't mention an illness or an accident in the card. The family will share what they want you to know.
• "At least". Anything starting with "at least", such as "at least she had a long life", can sound as if you're telling them how to feel.
• Jokes. Leave humor out of the card, even gentle humor, unless you know the family very well and are sure it will be welcome.

If you've already sent a card and worry you got the wording wrong, try not to. Most people remember who sent them a card much more clearly than the exact words inside it.

More gentle help

If you're helping to plan the service, our guides to writing a eulogy and short funeral speeches and tributes may be useful, and there's help with writing an obituary for the newspaper or the funeral home's website. For other kinds of card, see the main card messages page.